by Ben Thompson, LICSW, BCD, Director of Psychological Counseling Services

I read a “Dear Abby” column this morning in which a 21-year-old college student wrote that she gets so angry with her friends, roommates, and boyfriend that she can’t concentrate on her school work and sometimes resorts to punching walls, bruising her fist. Just a few minutes later, I watched some video of Serena Williams smashing and throwing her tennis racquet after missing a point at the Australian Open tennis tournament.

Like Serena Williams and the Dear Abby letter writer, we all get angry from time to time—at parents, siblings, friends, coaches, teachers, organizations, circumstances, and even ourselves. It’s a normal and basic human emotion.

In some cases, this anger is appropriately understood to be a signal that your rights are being violated or that your needs are being ignored by others. It may help to energize and motivate you to address problems with another individual or to make an important change in your attitude or circumstances. In other cases, unfortunately, the anger gets dealt with in a much less effective manner—like when you blow things out of proportion, destroy objects, hurt yourself, sleep and/or eat the day away, bury it, or direct it towards innocent others.

For those of you who having trouble handling your anger, I’d like to offer the following anger management tips:

1) Become aware of what you are feeling when you begin to get angry. Notice the physical and emotional signs when your anger is building.
2) Ask yourself what is bothering you. Notice whether it is an interaction with someone else, something that doesn’t involve another person, or something inside of you.
3) Take time to calm down. The old adage of “take a deep breath and count to ten” can really help. Remind yourself that you can deal with the situation more effectively if you are not all riled up. Sometimes it helps to go to a quiet place until you feel more settled.
4) Examine your options. Identify different ways you might respond to the situation and what the related outcomes might be. Recognize that you are responsible for your anger. Situations may contribute to your feeling angry, but you are responsible for the way you respond to them. You may be legitimately frustrated with something, but you don’t have to be inappropriately hostile or hurtful to others or yourself. You have choices.
5) Respond assertively rather than aggressively. If you’re angry with another person, let them know that you want to discuss it. Be specific when you tell them what they have said or done, how it has affected you, and how you’d like to rectify the situation. Try to do it in a non-shaming manner. Be respectful, but don’t be afraid to firmly stand up for yourself.
6) Don’t hesitate to seek support from others if you are struggling with angry feelings. Talking to a neutral person about how you are feeling may help you to determine if you are interpreting the situation accurately and how to proceed in a constructive manner.
7) Finally, blowing off steam by getting some exercise can be helpful, especially if you are dealing with a problem that can’t easily be resolved.

Remember, it’s completely normal to feel angry at times. The important thing to remember is that you have choices about how to deal with those feelings when they arise. Constructive expression of anger—understanding it and directing it appropriately and in right direction—can be a positive thing, helping us to feel more empowered and alive. It can also serve to improve our relationships with others.