By Ben Thompson, LICSW, BCD, Director of Counseling Services
The process of ending an important relationship is not easy. It’s common, during such a period, to feel a deep sense of sadness, emptiness, and loss. As one adult member of our community put it in an email to me, “When a relationship breaks up, I don’t just feel as though my heart is breaking, I feel as though *I* am breaking.” A female senior minced no words when she wrote that “getting through a relationship break-up sucks in every way, shape, and form, regardless of whether you’re the one who’s getting dumped or the one who’s ending it.”
These words of wisdom came in response to an inquiry I put out to our community, asking for any tips people might have for getting over an “ex” and moving on in life. The response was remarkable, with both boys and girls from all classes, as well as a number of faculty members, weighing in on the subject.
Here are some examples of what others had to say:
“You have to talk to someone instead of bottling up your emotions. It’s also good to get out and have fun with friend instead of staying in. When something hurts, there’s nothing better than having fun with friends.” (male, senior)
“Do things you enjoy. Cry it out. It won’t help to keep it in because it will need to come out at some point. Laugh every day, even if you feel stupid doing it. Don’t try to find a replacement.” (female, senior)
“Delete their number from your phone and try to be friends with them—not anything more.” (male, 7th grade)
“What I do is distract myself—namely through friends and music. If you don’t have time to think about her, you won’t wallow in self-pity. Also, I try to express my emotions through song, so the songwriting aspect is huge for me.” (male, junior)
“Do what you love to ease your mind. If your ‘ex’ broke up with you for a stupid reason, please be mad at them.” (male, sophomore)
“My best advice for girls is to be with your girlfriends and stay busy because that will help to keep your mind off of him. Also just flirt and start talking with other boys … And lastly, I recommend that you do something nice for yourself such as getting your nails done or going shopping, and make sure that you look cute the next day because it will help your self-esteem. Remember, everything happens for a reason, and with time everything will be okay!” (female, senior)
“Create an upbeat great new playlist to listen to. And of course, exercise.” (female, adult)
“I have seen through experience that sometimes people say, ‘Oh we can just be friends, nothing awkward!’ But the truth is that sometimes you just need to take a break from the person to get over the breakup. Even if it might seem like you are making a big deal out of it, sometimes it is necessary. A couple of months of trying not to interact with the person can help a lot. And once things get settled, and you have finally moved on, you can be friends again!” (female, junior)
“People really need to think to themselves, do I care about myself or this other person more? And do they feel the same way? My relationship was a chapter in my life, and like anything else, it had to come to an end. You’ll always have good memories, but that doesn’t mean you should be together . (female, senior)
*****
I have little to add to these thoughtful ideas other than to remind those of you who are coping with a breakup that the process takes time and has its ups and downs. Try to be good to yourself, reconnect with your friends, resist the urge to contact your “ex,” express your feelings, and try not to obsess too much about what went wrong. Stay focused on moving forward with a positive attitude.
Robert Frost once wrote, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned in life: It goes on.” (Thanks, Nadine Choe, for that quote.) For those of you who are dealing with a broken heart, I would add three more words: It gets better.
